INTJ: let's talk about efficiency

[narcasse]

I have an annoying habit of trying to be sensible about things. I rationalise and look at the tolerance within the current parameters, which is all very well if I’m trying to test something until it breaks. At a mechanical level it’s a fine strategy. On a more personal level its utter bunkum. The fires of creation gutter out after a certain point and sometimes the trick is to know when you really bloody well ought to fold. Know when you can win, sure, but knowing when to walk away is just as valuable. I usually don’t know when to quit or rather, I do know, but I tell myself that I ought to take the sensible route and hang in there until something better comes along, so that I’m not left in that unmarked space between seeming and being. And I’ve spent so much time hanging in there, failing to acknowledge that while I’m wasting my time and energy on maintaining stasis, I’m paying a hefty opportunity cost. I could be out there focusing on what I want to achieve. Eye on the prize and all that. But instead I’m expending some, then at least half, then maybe all my energy on just not being blue, by way of metaphor. I end up pouring my effort into maintaining an equilibrium that has long since lost its value. I don’t need to maintain the status quo and goodness knows I ought not to but I tell myself that, sensibly speaking, it’s what I ought to do. Play it safe, just in case. Except I have no idea what I’m holding anything in reserve for. There is no return journey, by way of further film allusions.

I have limited energy, time and heath. And I’ve spent far too long wasting it on playing it safe. If you can’t win the game it’s time to change the rules and, in my case at least, there are definitely rules that need to be broken. Time to embrace the whole Rational Mastermind shtick and stop pretending to be whatever I’ve decided that ‘normal’ is. After all, I’ve been getting nowhere fast by trying to fit in. Maybe I’m not quite ready to start throwing any consulting detectives off rooftops but I’m working up to it. Yes, throw. The only momentum in the game is my own and it’s high time I realised that. The intricate details are all well and good but all that matters is that the Gordian Knot no longer binds.