Relational patterns
Dec. 18th, 2011 08:19 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
narcasseNot so long ago, in response to an age disparity comment made by someone else, I made a quip that the only men who ever want to take me out to lunch are at least 15 years older and, more usually, old enough to be my father. This is entirely true and has been the case for as long as I recall. I know that simply by virtue of being younger it plays to my advantage, and there’s probably an element of being flattered that someone of my age is responding positively to advances, but other than that I’ve not really analysed it. I’ve always been partial to considerably older men, whatever that implies about me, anyway.
Recently, I’ve been taken out to lunch by an older gentleman whose age I’ve yet to determine. Over 50 is my general estimate without any further specifics. Talking to him is enjoyable and the little presents I’ve been given from his overseas trips are nice too. We’ve reached the point where, when we’re on the phone, I have to tell him to get off the line so that I can go do other things, which is to say that I probably enjoy talking to him a little too much already. And the positive attention is, of course, flattering. A friend asked if I would actually be willing to sleep with this chap and I don’t see why I wouldn’t, if that was what he wanted from me. Not immediately of course, but a little while down the line, I wouldn’t be adverse to it. On the other hand, I’m not quite mustering up any particular enthusiasm for the idea, but then I’m not particularly invested in the notion of sex in the first place, which probably accounts for that. If he wants to sleep with me I don’t really see any reason to refuse, especially with the time and effort he’s been putting in to come see me. He lives over 2 hours away, though he travels for work anyway, so it would probably be the least I could do to balance things out a little.
The interesting part is that while I wouldn’t object to sleeping with this chap, there’s also another fellow, around my age, who’s being rather bitter over the fact that I won’t sleep with him. Who, now that I think about it, reminds me distinctly of a girl I had the misfortune of meeting at a wedding once upon a time. It’s less of a case of making a definitive choice in oppose to knowing quite distinctly what I don’t want anyway. I avoid this younger chap anyway, precisely because he’s unpleasant and seems to think that the world owes him attention. I probably shouldn’t be too surprised by the latter issue because it invariably happens to me every so often: men around my own age, and occasionally, women, who seem to get annoyed because I either refuse their outright advances, simply choose not to respond to their antagonism, because I have no interest in entering into a full scale conflict, or, usually, a combination of both. As a general theme, men my own age seem to be invested in proving that they’re better than me in some manner and get annoyed when I don’t engage or appreciate their supposedly superior qualities. I know the theory behind the technique of course: antagonism usually triggers a response from the other party which makes you the focus of their attention. And of course over time you start to build mutual respect and interest in each other that can lead to further developments. The only problem there is that to apply said technique it needs to be done a lot more subtly. With less aggression involved it can generate a long-term debate that draws both parties together, and in that manner, is actually something that I’ve fallen for in the past. Just a little, gentle, ribbing, can go a long way after all. Fortunately for me, most of the men my own age seem to fail at that, so I avoid any unnecessary entanglements simply by virtue of distain. Though it does infuriate them thoroughly to be ignored, which isn’t at all what I’m aiming for with that. If I ignore someone it’s because I’m rather hoping that they’ll go away rather than continually try to engage.
In oppose to the above ‘technique’, I suspect that it’s the honesty of actually asking me out to lunch that I admire about the older gentlemen. They give me options so that I’m entirely free to turn them down just as easily as I can agree. They are also less likely to make crude comments or be so brash initially. In fact, I’ve probably known this current chap for 2 to 3 months now and last week was the first time that I’d ever heard him swear. It’s probably a little silly to make that a sticking point in this day and age but I appreciate the restraint. Similarly, little gestures like letting me pick where we’re going to eat, offering to help me carry things if I have my hands full or the obviousness of being the one to pay for the meal, tend to leave me with a favourable impression of my companion. The individual acts themselves don’t have any particular quality, but the suggested intention behind them, tends to win me over. It’s always pleasant, after all, to be treated with particular care and gentility.
On one hand, expecting the transactional nature of the whole interaction probably speaks volumes about my application of game theory to just about anything, but, on the other, I can’t see that that’s in any way an inaccurate assessment of the situation. I’m under no illusions about getting anything for free after all. It’s just that, when it comes down to trade in kind, I prefer the whole affair to run smoothly, at a rather more sedate pace, rather than feeling like someone is simply trying to bully me into something.
Recently, I’ve been taken out to lunch by an older gentleman whose age I’ve yet to determine. Over 50 is my general estimate without any further specifics. Talking to him is enjoyable and the little presents I’ve been given from his overseas trips are nice too. We’ve reached the point where, when we’re on the phone, I have to tell him to get off the line so that I can go do other things, which is to say that I probably enjoy talking to him a little too much already. And the positive attention is, of course, flattering. A friend asked if I would actually be willing to sleep with this chap and I don’t see why I wouldn’t, if that was what he wanted from me. Not immediately of course, but a little while down the line, I wouldn’t be adverse to it. On the other hand, I’m not quite mustering up any particular enthusiasm for the idea, but then I’m not particularly invested in the notion of sex in the first place, which probably accounts for that. If he wants to sleep with me I don’t really see any reason to refuse, especially with the time and effort he’s been putting in to come see me. He lives over 2 hours away, though he travels for work anyway, so it would probably be the least I could do to balance things out a little.
The interesting part is that while I wouldn’t object to sleeping with this chap, there’s also another fellow, around my age, who’s being rather bitter over the fact that I won’t sleep with him. Who, now that I think about it, reminds me distinctly of a girl I had the misfortune of meeting at a wedding once upon a time. It’s less of a case of making a definitive choice in oppose to knowing quite distinctly what I don’t want anyway. I avoid this younger chap anyway, precisely because he’s unpleasant and seems to think that the world owes him attention. I probably shouldn’t be too surprised by the latter issue because it invariably happens to me every so often: men around my own age, and occasionally, women, who seem to get annoyed because I either refuse their outright advances, simply choose not to respond to their antagonism, because I have no interest in entering into a full scale conflict, or, usually, a combination of both. As a general theme, men my own age seem to be invested in proving that they’re better than me in some manner and get annoyed when I don’t engage or appreciate their supposedly superior qualities. I know the theory behind the technique of course: antagonism usually triggers a response from the other party which makes you the focus of their attention. And of course over time you start to build mutual respect and interest in each other that can lead to further developments. The only problem there is that to apply said technique it needs to be done a lot more subtly. With less aggression involved it can generate a long-term debate that draws both parties together, and in that manner, is actually something that I’ve fallen for in the past. Just a little, gentle, ribbing, can go a long way after all. Fortunately for me, most of the men my own age seem to fail at that, so I avoid any unnecessary entanglements simply by virtue of distain. Though it does infuriate them thoroughly to be ignored, which isn’t at all what I’m aiming for with that. If I ignore someone it’s because I’m rather hoping that they’ll go away rather than continually try to engage.
In oppose to the above ‘technique’, I suspect that it’s the honesty of actually asking me out to lunch that I admire about the older gentlemen. They give me options so that I’m entirely free to turn them down just as easily as I can agree. They are also less likely to make crude comments or be so brash initially. In fact, I’ve probably known this current chap for 2 to 3 months now and last week was the first time that I’d ever heard him swear. It’s probably a little silly to make that a sticking point in this day and age but I appreciate the restraint. Similarly, little gestures like letting me pick where we’re going to eat, offering to help me carry things if I have my hands full or the obviousness of being the one to pay for the meal, tend to leave me with a favourable impression of my companion. The individual acts themselves don’t have any particular quality, but the suggested intention behind them, tends to win me over. It’s always pleasant, after all, to be treated with particular care and gentility.
On one hand, expecting the transactional nature of the whole interaction probably speaks volumes about my application of game theory to just about anything, but, on the other, I can’t see that that’s in any way an inaccurate assessment of the situation. I’m under no illusions about getting anything for free after all. It’s just that, when it comes down to trade in kind, I prefer the whole affair to run smoothly, at a rather more sedate pace, rather than feeling like someone is simply trying to bully me into something.
