Transition phase
Jul. 29th, 2012 03:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
narcasseCurrently I'm at the crux of a series of issues that will feed into the necessity of my relocating to another part of the country. I've been getting steadily more irritated with my current location over time so this suits me perfectly, especially when my move will, no matter where I choose to position myself exactly, move me into a location that better suits my evolving sensibilities. A decade ago I was in love with the crowdedness of cities, in particular London, as the heart of my particular universe and to which I'd compare everywhere else that I lived after. I was enthralled by the notion of rapid movement, the dubious air of the Underground, the hustle and bustle of the constant need to be in motion. Even now, sometimes I have to remind myself to slow down, that I don't need to be, wherever it is that I'm going, in the few minutes sooner that I'll get there if I wear myself out in the process. I've been getting better about it of late and, in my current situation, I've started to enjoy walking at a leisurely pace. Of course my enjoyment of any walk can be effected by the surroundings and I've come to realise that I actually like the countryside. I've rather enjoyed any of the slow walks that I've managed to take and I've gone from bewailing a lack of city living to wanting to move further away from it. I want to drive an off-road vehicle and buy my produce from farm shops these days.
Of course this all ties in to my lack of sociability as well. I don't need to be surrounded by people and, examining things more closely, I've rather drifted away from a lot of my old friendships. I don't have a lot in common with many of the social groups I used to interact with. I have moved away from the town where I was born, where as, lots of my old school friends have either left and returned or never left in the first place. Most of them seem to be mostly caught up in the business of having children as well. So there's very little commonality there any more. I don't know what's become of most of my London friends either as they've mostly drifted away. The circles I moved in, once I moved away, were similarly formed of people who'd grown up in the city I was closest to and had no intention of leaving. We fell together more out of geography rather than common interest. All of which is to say that moving again won't have much of an impact on anything. The people I remain in contact with are all scattered anyway so I'll be travelling various distances to visit as it is. And their number dwindles because, other than geography, once upon a time, I can't find that I have much in common with half the people I used to associate with.
On the other hand I do wonder how much volume of human traffic will suit me and, with it, the possibility of making new connections. Right now I'm looking at several locales along a rough longitudinal measurement and they cover a range of populousness. Admittedly, the most sparsely populated does have a town rifle club which does appeal, and a population of around 4,000, while the most populous still only has about 40,000 inhabitants. Contrast with London's 8 million or even the 200,000 of where I grew up, or, shockingly the 100,000 where I am now. For the first time I'm considering whether or not a locale of only 4,000 inhabitants might be just that little bit too small and lacking in convenient resources for me. Certainly, the slightly larger option does have a few more benefits when it comes to the availability of shops or rail transport links. It will probably also be cheaper. And there's nothing to say that I have to actually stay there if I decide I'd prefer a different locale.
As for the business of forming new, and suitable to my current state, connections, that's really more of an issue of deciding that I'd like to. I can mostly do without people which means both that I'm quick to drop people when our personalities/interests don't align, and also that I'm less motivated to reach out in the first place. I have a rather poor grasp of it all anyway because I'm coming at this from a framework that interprets lots of things as rejection and when I pick up on those cues, no matter how accurate, I'll just pull away. Compound that with some disastrous connections in my past and you have someone who isn't too interested in the first place, doesn't know how the normal formation of connections usually play out, is hypersensitive to rejection and has trust issues. It's not exactly a recipe for success in that arena and it's certainly something I need to examine to see what, if anything, I want to do about it.
I have a few objective goals to aim for at any rate and, alongside that, I can start working through my own personal development issues again. After all, the only question to be asking is always "Is this fit for purpose?" be that in regards to the process of my professional development or my sense of wholeness of self.
Of course this all ties in to my lack of sociability as well. I don't need to be surrounded by people and, examining things more closely, I've rather drifted away from a lot of my old friendships. I don't have a lot in common with many of the social groups I used to interact with. I have moved away from the town where I was born, where as, lots of my old school friends have either left and returned or never left in the first place. Most of them seem to be mostly caught up in the business of having children as well. So there's very little commonality there any more. I don't know what's become of most of my London friends either as they've mostly drifted away. The circles I moved in, once I moved away, were similarly formed of people who'd grown up in the city I was closest to and had no intention of leaving. We fell together more out of geography rather than common interest. All of which is to say that moving again won't have much of an impact on anything. The people I remain in contact with are all scattered anyway so I'll be travelling various distances to visit as it is. And their number dwindles because, other than geography, once upon a time, I can't find that I have much in common with half the people I used to associate with.
On the other hand I do wonder how much volume of human traffic will suit me and, with it, the possibility of making new connections. Right now I'm looking at several locales along a rough longitudinal measurement and they cover a range of populousness. Admittedly, the most sparsely populated does have a town rifle club which does appeal, and a population of around 4,000, while the most populous still only has about 40,000 inhabitants. Contrast with London's 8 million or even the 200,000 of where I grew up, or, shockingly the 100,000 where I am now. For the first time I'm considering whether or not a locale of only 4,000 inhabitants might be just that little bit too small and lacking in convenient resources for me. Certainly, the slightly larger option does have a few more benefits when it comes to the availability of shops or rail transport links. It will probably also be cheaper. And there's nothing to say that I have to actually stay there if I decide I'd prefer a different locale.
As for the business of forming new, and suitable to my current state, connections, that's really more of an issue of deciding that I'd like to. I can mostly do without people which means both that I'm quick to drop people when our personalities/interests don't align, and also that I'm less motivated to reach out in the first place. I have a rather poor grasp of it all anyway because I'm coming at this from a framework that interprets lots of things as rejection and when I pick up on those cues, no matter how accurate, I'll just pull away. Compound that with some disastrous connections in my past and you have someone who isn't too interested in the first place, doesn't know how the normal formation of connections usually play out, is hypersensitive to rejection and has trust issues. It's not exactly a recipe for success in that arena and it's certainly something I need to examine to see what, if anything, I want to do about it.
I have a few objective goals to aim for at any rate and, alongside that, I can start working through my own personal development issues again. After all, the only question to be asking is always "Is this fit for purpose?" be that in regards to the process of my professional development or my sense of wholeness of self.
